Blank canvas.

I haven't written in so long...certainly I've been busy but I don't actually don't know what I have been doing in these long months passed. Summer's bright tones have been replaced by Autumn's golden shades; my world is awash with coppers and honeys. The air is not yet its coll, crisp deliciousness yet, but I guess that it is only a matter of weeks, days perhaps. But, for now, it is all hands on deck with university and I shall have to find some time to gaze languidly out of the library window to watch the leaves slip slowly off their individual twiggy homes and dance blithely to the ground below.

Music video

I recently saw a new music video by a band that I particularly enjoy listening to; they hold many fond memories for me, as well as melancholy, a sense of anticipation and a tiny bit of heart break too. When I watched this video it filled me with a sense of wonder and got me thinking about various things including memory and memories.
This music video was absolutely wonderful and I found myself at a real loss to stay neutral as I watched it, I couldn't help get swept up in the joy of it and what it reminded me of; it triggered so many memories and my senses were overloaded by sights, sounds and even smells (although smell-a-vision has yet to be invented). I know that it propbaly sounds daft that all of this was inspired by an mv, but it was interedting to me that such things can be powerful stimuli; this band, oddly, didn't make up a large part of this particular memory soundtrack, and this song doesn't even feature...so it got me thinking evenmore.
Although the mv was completely new to me, I felt like I had seen it before OR more aptly it was as if it spoke of things to come that only sub-consciously I have a handle on. Sometimes my sister and I will hear a song and, for some unknown reason, it sounds significant to us and the only thing that we can say is that it is "about somehting that hasn't happened yet" and this was one of these moments. It is as if something later on will happen and this song will be playing in my mind when it does. This prospect excites me because the song is very beautiful and optimistic and, so far, I can only dream of the wonders that will unfold!

Blessed be.

Facebook

Is it wrong to secretly want a 'Facebook-life' even when I despise those who post all their business on them? I don't think a blog is the same because I can choose to be anonymous and selective about what I post, but I want people to see that I have a very exciting life!!! What's wrong with me these days?

Yoga

Tonight I am going back to yoga...or rather I am taking up yoga again in a new place. The though of going back and having some 'me time' is absolutely thrilling! Even the thought of trying it again made me feel so much more complete; I honestly think that my subconscious was poking me, trying to get my attention to get me back on the mat- I kept seeing signs, leaflets and posters for it over a very concentrated period of time- I would see several in a few hours- I know that you might think that it is just chance but, whatever it was that is making me go back, I am sure-as-hell happy about it.
I cannot wait for the deliciousness of silence, the sublimity of me-time and the delight of being out of the house and away from essays that are taking so long that I do not care about them anymore; away, albeit briefly, from the people that I love but also complicate (and enrich) my life substantially...Hey! it is my perogative to need space.

Friends, Lovers or Nothing...

It is never easy to break someone's heart, even if the breakage is small; just as when we break something in a shop, we will surely have to pay for breaking someone's heart, even if it is 'accidental.'
It sometimes seems to me that broken hearts are collateral for expressing your own feelings and being true to yourself. Is it wrong to revel in the relief you feel, knowing that someone else is hurting because of you, or have you handed over responsibility to God through doing what supports you? After all, we don't live any life but our own and so to continually compromise ourselves for the sake of someone that we care about, eventhough we care about them, is wrong, no?
I suppose nobody really wants to hear the phrase "Let's just be friends" but sometimes I wish that he would say it to me so I wouldn't have to say it to him. How can you turn someone down in a way that doesn't make you a hypocrite? "I really don't have time/space for a boyfriend at the moment," when all you really want to say is "I want a boyfriend, I just don't want you." Is it so wrong to reject someone then complain about wanting a boyfriend?
And, at the end of the day, when I don't want to be lovers but we were never friends, then what the hell are we?

Blessed be.

Dismal outlook

Why is it that when you visit somemwhere for the first time it is great and then all of the subsequent visits don´t seem quite the same?...not that the place has become boring, it just doesn´t have that certain something...or so I have been told. I feel that today I have discovered this to be somewhat true, and it really saddens me.
This event was a particular highlight of the social calendar last year, but this year it all seems frighteningly dull. Perhaps it is because the weather is dismal in comparison, or perhaps because my best friend is now half way across the world and isn´t here to share dinner with us in her sunlit kitchen, while we wonder why this ever has to end...I don´t understand why it doesn´t feel the same this year. I have had more fun this year than I have had in a long time and yet it all seems to be coming to a crashing halt and end. It strikes me that, having essentially disappeared for a month, I have come back to a different dimension...it is like "Sliders" everythng looks the same but it feels so different. Did I change or did everyone around me? I really don´t know...

I have been 'home' for a few days now...I feel different.

Leave the light on; I'll never give up on you.

Tonight I am afraid of the dark. I am scared of the inevitable morning that this night will bring.

How is it possible to have so many perfect moments in such a short space of time? (And yet, at the same time YOU, whoever you will oneday transpire to be, were missing and so something was always lacking from these moments...thus it seems to me, at this moment atleast, that you can improve on perfection).
One's concept of perfection is always changing; like the tide it never stays the same, although the tide changes faster than most of my opinions on things. Was I living before I came here? Becuase I don't seem to remember perfect moments like I experience them now...perhaps I was given new eyes as I stepped off the plane; maybe now, when I return, I will be able to create more of these moments because I understand now what it takes. I am not suggesting that there is some kind of chemical equation,or a magical formula to generate such things, I am merely wondering if I will experience more of them because my attitude has changed and I will therefore be able to see them when they happen, not overlook them.

I am scared of this night because I did not find the one thing that I was looking for, whether I was looking for it consciously or not, and the morning signifies the end of this quest. I have officially run out of time, this time atleast. I am hugely disappointed because of this, yet feel no disappointment because my expectations of everything else have been exceeded ten-fold. Nevertheless, I will never give up on you, missing piece; I will leave the light on so that you can see that I am home; I will leave my bedroom door open just a fraction so that you can come in and we can talk; I will have expectations, even if they are thwarted because you couldn't come today...but it is okay, I won't get angry or frustrated with you because I honestly believe that you are closer than I can imagine. Or I hope so. Afterall, I told myself the exact same thing before I left to come here and meet you. (I have to remember what a wise group of guys once told me, "Life couldn't get better..." And I really believe that, apart from your presence, this trip could not have been any better, okay maybe by seeing the rainbow bridge but I know that I can see that next time; my life has been like a dream...it was a dream; a dream come true; a dream that I created out of nothing and one which I, almost alone, created. And just because it has finished doesn't mean that it is lost).

I am afraid of the dark tonight...but I know that I can just switch on my iPod and the music will help me to relive my dream over and over, until the sun rises. Then maybe the morning won't seem so scary because I know that the best thing(s), the improvement on perfection, is (are) yet to come.

Pack up all your tears and put them in the backseat...

Now I understand why I didn't want to leave re-packing my luggage until the last minute...it sucks. There is no time to get your head around what you actually need and what you can afford to leave behind or throw away. Technically, I need very little that I have with me; I could get rid of all of my toiletries and old make-up, half empty bottles of cleanser- you get the picture. But, realistically, what difference is it going to make? I cannot wear 20kgs of shoes and clothes to the airport :)

Oh what to do, what to do?

Nothing gold can stay.

In five minutes I will be able to say "Tomorrow I am going home." This terrifies me.

Discovering...

As my adventure here in Seoul starts to come to its final pages, I wonder what it is that I have actually discovered while being here. They say a lot can happen in a day, so what exactly has happened in a month? Obviously I have explored the city and unearthed some of its secrets and hidden gems that the guide-books cannot tell one about; things only known by resident Seoul-ites. Amongst these have been numerous picturesque, unique and vibrant tea-houses, pieces of Eden surrounded by high-rise buildings and, just generally, an introduction and submersion into a world where I never really thought I could belong. I don't think that I can yet fully register what I have discovered about myself; I think that I will only be able to reflect and come to understand these things when I am back (home?) in London: so, for now at least, I will simply say that over eight thousand kilometers away from where one has spent their entire life, they can discover so much.

Too much to say: "It's a sign!" & "Capturing the hearts or readers."

This morning, a cloudy but dry morning in Incheon, I have too much to say. There are many things that I want to talk about...but I need to go to Home Plus, so I will limit myself to two topics.

Firstly, and this is the part which I have entitled "It's a sign!" in my diary. Yesterday evening I was on a bus home and I saw a sing that caused me to write this in the notepad that I carry with me for moments like this:

I just saw a road sign, as we drove past, that said, 'Begin.' Okay, I am aware that people would argue that this is only a transliteration of a place name but, actually, I think it is something more... What should I begin? Where to begin? How to begin? Is it the beginning of something? Has the race started? What exactly has commenced? Perhaps the answer will come with another sign.

And secondly, I have just finished re-reading one of my favourite books, The Little Prince, and I was struck by a particular sentence that, I believe, must have captured the hearts of many readers in the past and will continue to do so for many decades to come: "What's most important invisible..." Read that as you will.

Sunsets

Today I saw the most perfect sunset in Seoul. My friends and I were taking a break as we cycled through some parks and the surrounding areas; we stopped at a small riverside spot and watched the sun set while we listened to our iPods. I put mine on shuffle and "That's Life" was the first song that was selected and it certainly suited what I had been thinking about all day. Needless to say it really stirred my inspiration and imagination and I cycled away feeling like I could conquer the world. I will upload a photo of it at some point- it was too beautiful not to share.

Serendipity...

Apart from being a exponentially wonderful word, serendipity causes a fantastic sense of wholeness. I find it reasonably ironic, yet beautifully serendipitous, that my last post was pondering the quandries of the puzzle pieces fitting together; the next day...a truly serendipitous moment, albeit one that I did not expect, but, for those brief moments during and after (and for the rest of the day, I suppose) I felt a reassured that I was actually on the right track.

I was surprised at how much I needed to feel like that.

Wanting too much.

Since arriving at this point in my life, I have frequently pondered the idea of wanting too much. Not in the sense of being greedy, but wanting something specific too much. Perhaps a better way of explaining this notion is pinning all your hopes on one thing, planning your life around a single hope or desire... Is it a good way to live? If we live like this are we forcing events and experiences that need time to develop and materialize? Will we always be disappointed because, nine times out of ten, it seems, when we live in expectation of one desire it fails to happen? Or worse...if it actually happens, it fails to live up to our initial expectations and is thus as equally painful and disconcerting as said thing not happening at all.
It is hard to wait around for something, you know might never happen, to happen (while trying to lead and live an enjoyable, productive life) but, one might argue, it is even harder to give up on such hopes entirely, knowing that the acquistion or realisation of your dreams will transpire to be everything that you want and/or need. This being said, how long should one wait? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? I suppose that it varies from dream to dream, desire to desire and the individual nature of your wants but, if it is something that you cannot actively plan for, pursue or work towards, what do you do? How long should you wait before abandoning what may seem like naive fantasies or unrealistic ideals?
Perhaps there are no answers, or maybe there are no concrete answers. Maybe, when one returns to reality, the process of coming back down to earth will cause us to reassess or perhaps we will be further inspired, invigorated and lifed by a sense of stubborn pride that, actually, we were right all along to stick to our guns and, once again, it is surely only a matter of time until that pivitol moment where all the pieces in life's great jigsaw fall into place.

There seemed like no better time to start a blog than when I actually started living my life the way that I wanted to...although I already fear the lack of time that I have preventing me from always writing my opinions of the world, I hope that what I do write is meanful.